In 15 days I will celebrate my birthday and our 2 year marriage anniversary. Before we got married I was leading a bible study, co-leading another bible study, drenched in God’s word on a daily basis, deeply committed to my wife-to-be and we completed our pre-marital counseling with our Pastor - clearly I was ready to go! I remember sharing with our guests on our wedding day almost 2 years ago how I had, less than a year earlier, written down the description of how I would know I had met the woman who would be my partner in life. It included that our kids would be lit up about us being with each other and that I would see God reflected back in her eyes. And voila, less than a year later, I appeared at Teresa’s front door for (yet another) bible study and the rest, as they say is history. As it turns out though, having God reflecting back, having God watching you - this can be a double edged sword.
“I did not know the woman’s soul, that crowning gift of Providence to man, which, if we do not ourselves degrade it, will set an edge to all that is good in us. I did not know how the love of a woman will tinge a man’s whole life and every single action with unselfishness. I did not know how easy it is to be noble when someone else expects it and takes for granted that one will be so; or how wide and interesting life becomes when viewed by four eyes instead of two.”
- The Stark Munro Letters
Right after we were married I wrote a message around the secret of extraordinary relationships being the constant seeking and rejoicing in truth. Almost two years later after embarking on creating our little blended family (complete with 5 teenagers) I have learned how un-ready I really was and how little I really knew about seeking & rejoicing in the truth. Seeking the truth is great but finding it can sometimes hurt like hell. So much is revealed when two people truly dare to stand in the light (and dark) of each others soul and to be married is to be reminded daily that it is no small thing to open our heart and our soul to allow another full access.
To borrow from the Zen Master, Fen. Yang, “When you are deluded and full of doubt, even a thousand books of scripture are not enough.” As it turned out there was more than one room in my soul that had been long since closed to protect yours truly from hurt and pain. You and I, we can do the “right” things, go to church on Sunday, read our bible, lead bible studies, get that gift envelope in, attend those study groups, get involved in serving groups and yet still we will not let Christ into those hidden rooms to heal us.
Matthew 13:15
“For this people’s heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.”
We do the right stuff, we get thaaaaat close but to lay down our arms, to fully surrender and let Him or another really touch our souls, is just a bit too private, just a bit too uncomfortable. We can be so obstinate in thinking that we know how it’s supposed to be with our children, with our wife, with our God, that we wind up with no room for the magical, for the life changing miraculous.
We are, all of us, falling down people making falling down attempts to become the person that God already knows we are. Every day, every moment we get to choose what we bring to our relationships and our time on this planet. We choose selfishness or generosity; we choose revenge or forgiveness, we chose death or life, we chose Heaven or Hell.
And speaking of Heaven, to my wife, Teresa, who shows me what love really looks like, who teaches me about my own kids, who loves me beyond any words that I could write - THANK YOU you baby for being my light, for listening through the junk to my greatness, for calling me to be who God created me to be, thank you for loving me the way that you do.
Peace!
Andre Bajew